People Probems 2008

is difficult to say the least. People problems can begin in infancy. Effective communication is the best way to solve this issue.The infant’s modes of communication are the cry and the smile.One says “I’m feeling uncomfortable,” and the other “I’m comfortable.” Parents react in many different ways to a child’s cry and sometimes, out of frustration, will hit or yell to stop the crying. It is vital that parents attempt to figure out how to gratify their baby’s needs – how to end the crying.These early interactions are the foundation of a child’s future relationships. Children are not born to cooperate with their parents and it takes many years to teach. It is essential that parents learn how to communicate to achieve cooperation.A dictatorial style – stop your fighting, go to bed now, give me a kiss, don’t be late for supper, etc., may come easy, but can lead to or encourage rebellion.

Finding the Key

What are the keys to effective communication? The key communication concept is simple and direct, but might be difficult to implement because of unresolved emotional problems.My back and front door keys look alike and both fit the lock, but only one allows me to achieve my objective – entering my home. I propose that if you use the correct words that symbolically represent the “key,” you will be successful in solving problems.Why do people use the wrong words? The repetition compulsion concept is the answer; namely, we repeat the identical type of verbal behavior that we were exposed to. For example, if your parents praised you infrequently in childhood, as an adult you will find it hard to praise.A business owner revealed that there was an increase in productivity when he praised his employees. Nevertheless, he failed to praise them consistently. He admitted that he resists giving complimentary, positive feedback to his staff – in the same way that his father failed to commend him. Unfortunately, many people in power only verbalize their thoughts in ways they feel comfortable. For example, there are those that enjoy barking orders, threatening, intimidating, and criticizing. For instance, a father is aggravated by the computer game that his 12-year-old son is playing.The father chose to say “Put the game away and go do your homework.”This demand created tension and did nothing to enhance the father-son relationship. The wrong key was used. What might be the right key? Ask questions, such as “When are you planning to do your homework? May I help you? How much homework do you have? How much time do you need to complete your homework?” Each question represents a key that is designed to get the son to complete his homework (and move away from the computer game). Likely, the father’s order induced feelings of anger. Children are not trained to verbalize all feelings and instead may act out – slamming doors, locking themselves in their rooms, forgetting to take their homework assignment to school, etc.When you use the right key, the right language, cooperative behavior is guaranteed. When you use the wrong key, you invite rebellion.

Avoiding Escalation

In February 2005, an employee was fired at the International Paper Company’s plant in Taylor,Michigan.The supervisor’s verbal communication created angry feelings and the employee acted on his rage by killing the supervisor and wounding a co-worker. Unfortunately, he was not able to talk about his feelings and instead took the most extreme action. People in authority need to be aware that ineffective communication can lead to violent and disruptive behavior. There is a good chance that this tragedy could have been avoided by the use of the “talking” model.This means that there should have been discussion regarding the employee’s feelings about the job, identifying the negatives and the positives, and examining the relationship with the boss.The conversation should be designed to show the benefit of cooperating and to recognize the possibility that resigning can be a good thing.There are legitimate reasons to terminate a work relationship. To reduce the negative types of communication, one should adopt the platinum rule of communication; namely, to talk in a manner that pleases the recipient.Most leaders adopt the golden rule, talking to please themselves.The father felt comfortable ordering his son to stop playing with his game.When leaders shout orders and criticize, they fail to motivate, build trust, or modify behavior.

Modifying Behavior

The following scenarios are taken from my professional experiences. I conducted a business meeting for six senior managers at 7:30 a.m.All were present except for one. I asked how tardiness was handled and was told that the boss simply locked the door. Did this policy enhance productivity? No one knew and no one seemed to care. I asked the group if they wanted to hear my approach.One manager said that I wouldn’t be successful in changing his behavior – he was the top manager in the group and had a direct line to the president’s office. The gentleman who arrived 12 minutes late sat down quietly and said nothing. I asked,“How can I help you be on time for these important meetings?” He didn’t have an answer and another manager yelled out, “Pick him up.” I responded,“What a great idea! How long would you entertain being his chauffeur?” Everyone laughed.Then I asked the latecomer,“Are you aware that we feel insulted?”After that meeting, he was always on time.My communication was not critical or intimidating, but expressed caring.The tardiness problem was easy to solve. Here is another case where the choice of language is clearly important. The president of an alarm company called his technician and asked, “Where are you?” He was trying to track him down to see if the technician could respond to a service call.The technician got defensive and answered,“Why are you asking?” He felt the boss didn’t trust him and was checking up on him.The question resulted in the boss’ threeminute tirade that sounded something like,“Why the hell can’t you answer a simple question? I’m the boss and you should give me a direct answer.”The boss has not been trained to use the right key to achieve his objective.The right key is,“Hi John, I need someone to make a service call, how far are you from customer Jones?”This shift in language would have resulted in cooperative behavior.The boss instead became irate and unable to make use of the platinum rule of communication.This shows his unwillingness to change his own behavior.

This same situation exists in many homes. Parents demand respect instead of learning that respect comes from respecting their children. I would like to offer one final example that looks at a husband and wife business team.They recognize that there is a dramatic increase in sales when a newsletter is published.The wife is a talented writer and has the task of producing marketing materials. She hasn’t, however, pursued a newsletter and he avoids discussing the matter. He is afraid that bringing it up will lead to an argument. He doesn’t realize that when the right key is used, there will be no argument. Unconsciously he is contributing to the newsletter not getting done.The right key, the right language is,“We both want our company to be more profitable. How about we work on a newsletter together over the weekend?”Then we can kick back and celebrate.The wife now feels enthusiastic and supported by her husband, not pushed.This case once again illustrates that people often communicate in a way that keeps them from getting what they want. Some experts claim that the biggest block to achieving successful communication is the individual’s ability to listen intelligently and skillfully to the speaker. I disagree wholehearted. I believe that the communicator has to develop the skills to motivate, to meet the other person’s needs, to avoid making the other person defensive and to be willing to change his/her own behavior. People problems start at the earliest stages of development. Learning how to use language to foster cooperative relationships takes many years and requires a ton of patience.One day, I’m sure, someone will create a product that dispenses patience. Until then, it is important to create a safe environment that rewards children for sharing their thoughts, dreams, fantasies, and feelings.The result is that these children will become adults that can communicate effectively. But we clearly have a lot of work to do,since it is a well-known fact that the majority of people are afraid to talk to their boss. This anxiety is the result of physical and verbal punishments inflicted by parents when they didn’t approve of their children’s behavior – behavior that was often normal during certain phases of development. Fear of talking can lead to lying, acting out, or simply checking out and doing nothing. Children do not benefit from a laissez-faire or punitive environment. Discipline and love are mandatory, not punishment.

Reprinted with permission from "Our Town Brookline" a Monthly Magazine

Wilfred Calmas has lived in Brookline since he was a student at B.U. studying for his Master’s and Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology. Prior to that he earned a B.S. from Ohio State and an MBA at the University of Michigan. His post-graduate study was in psychoanalysis at the Center for Modern Psychoanalysis in NewYork City. He was a staff child psychologist for eight years at Children’s Hospital, Boston and was Professor of Psychology at Boston State. He maintains a private practice in Chestnut Hill. He and his wife Sandy have three sons, who attended the Heath School in Brookline.

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